What ladies say about males in remedy
Have you ever ever puzzled what ladies say about males in remedy? What do they inform their counselor that they aren’t telling you? Are there any frequent themes?
In case you are interested by this matter, you’ve come to the best place. On this episode of the Males’s Self-Assist Podcast, Dr. John takes a deep dive into seven frequent matters that ladies deliver up about males within the counseling workplace.
Some issues would possibly strike you as frequent sense. Different matters would possibly shock you. As a part of this present, you’ll additionally hear from a person who’s bored with being rejected on the courting apps and is searching for steerage.
Frequent takeaways from present
- Matters ladies deliver up in counseling
- Why ladies like males who’ve targets
- How having a function is a turn-on
- The significance of self-care
Sources Talked about
BLOCK B: 7 issues ladies say in remedy about males
One of many issues I rapidly realized in my work as a therapist is how ceaselessly points like courting and romance come up within the counseling workplace.
Certain, individuals would possibly name you for assist with anxiousness and melancholy, however sooner or later, points like love and romance pop up as a result of they’re so related to love – if that is sensible.
And that is true for single of us or for individuals already in concerned with somebody, like a wedding.
It was just some weeks in the past that one in all my feminine sufferers shared with me her frustrations with courting. As I jotted down her issues, it dawned on me that her record was strikingly just like what many different ladies have shared with me previously.
Now look, I’m not making an attempt to color with a large brush. I notice that what I hear in my workplace isn’t consultant of everybody and subsequently can’t be generalized to the whole inhabitants.
However I can let you know that based mostly on my private, unscientific observations, the problems ladies deliver up on the subject of love and romance and vastly totally different than what I hear from the boys.
And it’s these variations that served because the inspiration for at the moment’s podcast. Have you ever ever puzzled what ladies actually say that need in a person – no less than to a therapist?
Properly, I’m about to share seven issues I’ve heard, behind the closed doorways of the counseling workplace. Once more, these are my observations and mine alone.
For those who occur to be a therapist tuning in, you could be listening to one thing fully totally different, and don’t fake to be the tip all be all on the subject of this matter.
That mentioned, in making ready for at the moment’s present, I did seek the advice of with a gaggle of 10 marriage counselors who – within the common sense – agreed with the themes I’m about to undergo.
OK, are you prepared?
Right here’s the primary one:
1. Intimacy.
No shock, proper? Properly, stick with me as a result of this one is likely to be totally different than what you’re considering.
To backside line it, intimacy doesn’t all the time imply intercourse. In lots of instances, it’s concerning the build-up, which comes within the type of affection.
And right here, I’m speaking concerning the act of consensual touching, like petting and holding. Do you know that once you contact your mate, it causes the discharge of mind chemical substances that assist to strengthen your bond? It’s true and I’ve linked to a bit in present notes from NPR that goes into the science.
And I’ll let you know that within the {couples} work I’ve executed, this explicit situation – intimacy – is big as a result of the longer a relationship goes on, the much less ceaselessly it sems to occur. On some stage, that is to be anticipated – little doubt about it. However the place I’ve seen the issues come up is the place there’s a void.
So, a query I’m going to ask you to consider is what’s your definition of intimacy? Does that definition resemble that of your mate’s?
Simply one thing to consider – let’s transfer to quantity two:
2. Depth and vary
At its core, depth and vary means having diverse pursuits and being OK with speaking about them throughout conversations.
As one marriage therapist I consulted with for this shared: “Girls like guys who’re OK with going past the floor stuff, like present occasions and sports activities.”
And guys, I’m right here to let you know that a lot of the males I’ve labored with are tremendous sensible – however purposely disguise this a part of themselves as a result of they assume gained’t match a masculine assemble they’ve purchased into. Possibly you may relate?
However in the event you’ve studied stoicism, you rapidly uncover {that a} wholesome a part of masculinity includes embracing our intelligence and pursuits.
I imagine it was Marcus Aurelius’ who mentioned: “These are the traits of the rational soul: self-awareness, self-examination, and self-determination. It reaps its personal harvest. It succeeds in its personal function.”
Are you into issues like historical past, science, or present occasions? If that’s the case, it’s OK to speak about them! What’s extra, it’s OK to be interested by matters you aren’t accustomed to. Know what I imply?
The concept right here is to toss all of that nonsense so many people are taught about what it’s to be a person and never grow to be prisoners of the stereotype. The reality is depth and vary might be very enticing traits.
OK, let’s transfer on to quantity three:
3. Romance
So, that is one other one that’s excessive on the record. To start with phases of a relationship, a way of romance can occur virtually magically, relying on the chemistry.
However what I hear from ladies is that after the honeymoon interval ends, the romance fades. That is much more so for married {couples}.
I’ll always remember a shopper I as soon as labored with named Angela who advised me that after she moved in along with her boyfriend, the date nights got here to a tough cease.
I’m paraphrasing right here however she mentioned one thing like, “It simply felt like I had grow to be simply one other factor in his life, as an alternative of one thing particular.
Properly, as you may think about, they finally broke up.
My level in sharing this with you is to keep away from reaching for the auto-pilot change. In different phrases, be aware of relational upkeep.
Do you contemplate your self romantic? For those who don’t, what might be totally different?
OK, in order that’s three.
Quantity 4 is:
4. Having a Function.
You recognize, it was just some weeks in the past that I used to be working with a thirty-something yr previous girl who advised me that she was having second ideas concerning the man she’s been courting.
After I requested her why, she mentioned one thing like, “It simply looks as if he doesn’t know what he desires out of life.” After which she added, “I’ve all the time been interested in males who’ve a way of the place they’re heading.”
In so some ways, function is linked to confidence, do know what I imply? When you concentrate on the individuals you’ve been interested in, how excessive did function rank in your record? Did you discover it enticing? If the reply is sure, this may occasionally offer you an thought of what I’m speaking about.
Are you aware your function? If the reply isn’t any, what are you doing to determine this out?
OK, let’s take a look at 5:
5. Having Objectives.
I’ll simply get to the underside line on this one and say that within the remedy workplace, ladies have shared with me they like males who’ve targets. And never simply targets within the summary, however concrete targets which might be actively being labored on.
The issue is a few of us are afraid to speak about our targets as a result of we expect worry it can make us sound foolish or silly.
However right here’s the factor.
Speaking about your targets demonstrates your mental curiosity and confidence. And hey, your targets don’t need to be lofty. Examples is likely to be studying a brand new language or studying the way to cook dinner. You get my drift.
So, right here’s a query for reflection: What are your targets? If you realize what they’re, do you retain them to your self or do you speak about them?
Simply meals for thought.
Let’s transfer on to 6, which is:
6. Validate however don’t repair.
So, for this one – ladies have shared with me that they worth a person who actively listens and validates. Now that will sound easy sufficient but when we’re being brutally sincere, it’s not.
And right here’s why:
As males, we’re hard-wired to make things better. In different phrases, we’re programed to leap proper in and resolve issues as quickly as they pop up. There’s nothing improper with this and may turn out to be useful.
However as so many ladies have advised me in remedy, “I don’t need my boyfriend to inform me the way to repair an issue. Typically, I simply want he’d pay attention and let me vent.”
And look, I get it. There are going to be occasions once you hear the identical points developing again and again and also you wish to assist them resolve it.
In these instances, reasonably than going into repair it mode, it might be useful to easily say:
It actually sucks you’re having to cope with this proper now. What can I do to be useful?
Most of the time, what you’ll hear again is one thing like: No, I’m OK, however thanks for being right here to pay attention – it feels actually good to have your assist.
If she does need your assist, she’ll possible ask you – and that’s the place you may are available in along with your concepts.
I hope that made sense. Haha, Let’s transfer on to the ultimate one.
7. Self-Care
While you hear me say that time period, a few of you could be questioning what I’m speaking about? Properly, at its core, self-care means demonstrating that you just worth your emotional and bodily wellness.
Now let me be actually clear right here. This DOES NOT imply that it’s worthwhile to seem like a bodybuilder or some health mannequin from Males’s Well being. That’s not what I’m suggesting in any respect.
As a substitute, I’m speaking about caring for your self wholistically as a result of it reveals you worth your thoughts and physique.
What occurs all too typically in relationships, significantly over the long run, is that folks use their relationship standing as an excuse to ditch self-care. The considering goes one thing like this: Properly, I’m off the market now so I don’t must impress anybody.
And whereas there’s some fact there, we neglect that self-care is essential to psychological well being and bodily well being. Briefly, once you maintain your self, you’re possible going to be in a greater temper – and that’s going to affect a bunch of different areas, comparable to your libido.
Now clearly you shouldn’t be doing this for another person. It needs to be for your self. However I feel you get my level. Self-care is attractive. Not less than that’s what I hear within the counseling workplace.
You recognize, as I’m sharing this with you now, I’m reminded of a girl I labored with named Melissa who advised me that she stopped getting it on along with her husband as a result of every time they bought busy, she ended up getting injured. The rationale? Her man by no means clipped his toenails.
At first, she use to remind him to do it – however after awhile she resented having to remind as a result of it began to really feel parental.
Does make sense? I’ll depart it there as a result of I sense you get the gist of it.
So, there you’ve got it guys – The 7 secrets and techniques ladies deliver up in remedy about males. Oh, and hey – I can already right here a few of you saying, “However Dr. John – guys care about a few of those self same issues. It’s a two-way road.”
And right here’s my response – yep yep – I utterly agree. And that’s why within the close to future, I’ll be recording an episode on 7 Secrets and techniques Males Reveal About Girls With Their Therapist. When that pod comes out, I promise I’ll be referring again to what you’ve heard right here. However you’ll additionally hear about some main variations.
On a associated notice, I’d like to supply a useful resource to you proper now which may be useful. It’s a guide known as: No Extra Mr. Good Man by Dr. Robert Glover and also you’ll discover a hyperlink to it in present notes on the Man Counseling weblog.
What I like about this learn is how the writer helps males to grow to be extra assured of their id and present up authentically in relationships. It’s one thing I’ve recommended to my very own sufferers as homework – and I hope you’ll contemplate it too.
Now earlier than we transition to this week’s listener e mail, let’s do a fast recap of these secrets and techniques:
1. Intimacy on totally different ranges.
2. Have some depth and vary.
3. Romance issues.
4. Have a function.
5. Have some targets.
6. Validate however don’t repair.
7. Self-care is vital.
As you concentrate on this record, what number of appeared like frequent sense? Which of them triggered you to pause and mirror?
BLOCK C: Skincare information
Hyperlink to free skincare information for males.
BLOCK D: Listener Electronic mail
This week’s listener e mail involves us from a person named Pedro who’s coping with a problem that I wager plenty of you may relate to.
I’m going to provide the fundamentals of what he wrote, paraphrasing a bit to tug out the excessive lights. Are you prepared?
Test it out:
—
Hello, Dr. John,
I began subscribing to your podcast a couple of weeks in the past as a result of I used to be searching for steerage. My downside is that this: I’ve been single for years and have been utilizing the courting apps – it’s the one approach to meet individuals round my location.
Currently, I’ve been having some self-doubt. I used to be courting somebody just lately for 3 months and all the pieces was going nice after which out of nowhere, she advised me she couldn’t’ date anymore. Apparently, she had an excessive amount of occurring with work after which mentioned she wasn’t actually prepared for critical courting.
This conduct occurs lots, the place it looks as if issues are going nicely after which all of the sudden, they pull the plug. It was simply yesterday I went on a date, and all the pieces appeared prefer it was going nice. However once I bought house, she despatched me a textual content saying she didn’t really feel a connection.
Am I doing one thing improper? I’m placing myself on the market, and nothing appears to be working.
Thanks a lot,
Pedro
—
Alrighty then – there’s Pedro’s e mail. And you realize, as I learn the essence of what he despatched to me, I couldn’t assist however take into consideration how this explicit situation appears to come back up so ceaselessly in remedy – and possibly as a listener, you’ve struggled with this situation?
I’m going to go forward and browse to you what I despatched again to this listener, once more paraphrasing a bit.
Hello, Pedro,
Thanks a lot for subscribing to this podcast – it means lots to me. First, let me tackle the smooth underbelly of what you’ve shared as a result of my sense is – no less than proper now – you’re feeling defeated and down.
And I’ll be actual with you – it sucks once you put your self on the market and even make investments time in somebody, solely to later be advised one thing like, “Sorry – this isn’t a match” or “You’re a nice man however I’m searching for one thing totally different.”
And since this podcast offers with Males’s points, I’m additionally going to say that rejection – as a result of that’s what we’re speaking about – hurts – lots.
With all of that mentioned, I feel it’s vital to let you know that proper now – lots of people are going by way of Courting App Fatigue, which is typically known as Swiper’s Fatigue. Primarily, courting app fatigue occurs when individuals flip to the courting apps as a approach of medicating emotions of isolation. And this has been significantly true through the pandemic.
I’m not saying you’re doing this, however I’m suggesting that you could be be operating into this with a number of the individuals you’re interacting with.
And right here’s the deal – courting apps at the moment have virtually was a social media platform. I hate saying that however it’s true. Furthermore, they’ve created a dynamic whereby some individuals assume, “If I simply swipe yet another time, I’ll discover somebody higher.”
Truthfully, I lengthy for the times the place individuals met one another in individual and spontaneously, however that’s one other story.
I can share a couple of issues with you that I’ve recommended to my shoppers. The primary is to consider taking a break from the apps. It doesn’t need to be lengthy – like a month. The concept is to detox from all of it and clear your thoughts.
The second is to rethink your expectations. Are you occurring the apps to fulfill “the one”? If the reply is sure, that’s fantastic – however remember the fact that not everybody on Tinder and Bumble is searching for that. Oh positive, they could say that’s what they need – however many are simply searching for one thing far more informal.
The third factor I’ll recommend – and it is a biggy, is to alter the main focus of your considering. In different phrases, as an alternative of making an attempt to determine how one can get a woman to love you, flip the tables.
Ask your self if you find yourself on a date:
Am I interested in this individual? What do I really feel once I’m of their presence? Do I really feel like it is a match?
Discover these “I” statements. Are you able to see how doing it this manner can change the ability dynamic? As I’ve talked about earlier than on this podcast, notion is projection.
In closing, I simply wish to add right here that lots of people get on these courting apps for private validation. In different phrases, they’ve grow to be hooked on being pursued and use the apps as a approach of boosting their vanity. Which will sound shallow however I’m simply being actual with you.
Pedro, I’m going to present you a hyperlink to an article on the Man Counseling Weblog that provides 7 methods of dealing with courting app rejection. I hope you’ll test it out when you’ve got the prospect.
Thanks once more on your notice and I hope you replace us down the highway along with your state of affairs.
Greatest,
Dr. John
—
So, there you’ve got my response. I actually really feel for this listener as a result of it’s apparent to me that he longs for a significant, romantic connection.
Are you fighting emotions of rejection? If the reply is sure, what might be totally different in your strategy?
BLOCK E: Closeout
So, did you discover the matters we explored at the moment to be attention-grabbing? We lined plenty of territory – don’t you assume? First, we talked about 7 issues ladies deliver up in remedy because it pertains to males. And as a part of the combo, there have been even a couple of questions thrown in for self-reflection.
However that wasn’t all.
We additionally talked about the issue of courting app fatigue and rejection – plus the way to change your thoughts set by utilizing “I” statements. Shoot, I feel there was even a quote thrown in alongside the best way from a well-known stoic. Did you catch it?
You recognize, if in case you have discovered this podcast useful, I’d actually find it irresistible in the event you hit that subscribe – or comply with button. This manner, you’ll by no means miss one other episode.
And I’m simply going to come back proper out and say it – I want your assist with getting this podcast to develop organically in order that it will get in entrance of different males who would possibly profit from the fabric we discover right here. One of the best ways to try this is to depart a evaluation, significantly a written one, wherever you is likely to be listening. Apparently, the extra individuals who depart critiques after which hit subscribe, the extra this present ranks increased within the listings. Are you able to assist me out? I’d actually admire it.
It was simply the opposite day {that a} listener XD left the next evaluation on Apple Podcasts:
“I like this podcast – it opened my eyes lots and self-evaluation is a should.”
See, it’s that form of factor that simply retains me motivated to file extra of those pods. So, thanks for that XD.
Do you know there’s a number of methods to remain in contact? Yep, there positive is. You possibly can cease by my web site, which is Guycounseling.com and there, you’ll discover tons of articles associated to Males’s points.
You may as well join my e-newsletter. Simply search for the shape on the sidebar. Now right here’s the factor – I promise that I don’t ship out plenty of emails and every time I do shoot one thing out, it’s brief and candy.
You may as well cease by one in all my social media pages. I’m on Instagram at Man Counseling – and I’m additionally on Fb and Twitter on the identical deal with.
For those who’d prefer to have a query featured on the pod, be happy to ship me a message. Simply ship your e mail to [mentioned in podcast] I promise that no matter you ship me will stay confidential and I gained’t share it with anybody, except you give me permission.
Properly guys, there you’ve got it – one other present. Right here’s a fast shoutout to my sound engineer, Joel, with East Coast Studio.
Keep in mind that intimacy is available in totally different varieties. Be aware of going into repair it mode with a accomplice. Don’t be afraid to look inward when assembly somebody new.
Take superb care. I’m Dr. John, and this has been, one other episode of the Males’s Self Assist Podcast.
