This morning I headed out for a fast experience to the forbidding Trails Behind The Mall:
I used to be clad head-to-toe in fancy clothes from Vulpine…
…proper right down to my socks:
This kind of merino extravagance is the semi-professional bike blogger equal of attending the Met Gala in a gown bearing the phrase “Tax The Wealthy,” although in contrast to the aforementioned politician I didn’t have a phalanx of masked staffers to hold my fanny pack for me:
That’s the Spurcycle Hip Pack, which I not see on their web site, so perhaps they’ve discontinued it–although after seeing it straining valiantly towards my midriff they could need to take into account rebranding it because the “Love Deal with” and advertising it to an older demographic, as a result of it really works fairly nicely each as a carry-all and a girdle.
Earlier than hitting the forbidding Trails Behind The Mall, I utilized the mall itself by popping right into a minimalist retailer of electronics named for a chunk of fruit with the intention to overpay for one thing that even the worker who assisted me tried to persuade me to buy on Amazon. (He ought to have recognized from all of the merino by which I used to be swaddled that, for me, cash was not a problem.) As you’ll be able to see, the bike parking amenities are high shelf:
Talking of that firm, little did I do know that as I shopped they had been asserting all their newest gewgaws, together with a brand new watch with much more bikey options:
The emphasis on catching spills by cyclists provides to the present fall-detection function of Apple Watch that’s been round for some time. If the Apple Watch doesn’t detect motion for a few minute, the watch will ship an alert and name emergency companies should you don’t reply.
If the brand new Apple Watch calls 911 each time it doesn’t detect motion for a minute I’d have extra choppers following me on my rides than Ray Liotta on Rockaway Turnpike in direction of the tip of “Goodfellas.”
Although I’m guessing it really works higher than that sensible helmet I examined:
Hey, at the very least I received a viral video out of it:
From there I proceeded to the paths, the place I attempted to not take into account that, ought to I fall and crack my head open, my inferior smartwatch would be sure that I bleed out and die. (Although I do use Strava Beacon, so at the very least they’d have a reasonably simple time discovering my merino-shrouded carcass.) As typical, I relished the nimble nature of my profoundly out of date artisanal singlespeed:
Then, after I received house, I discovered Norm Macdonald had died.
One thing like 25 years in the past, after I was a lowly editorial assistant at a publishing firm, I assumed it will be nice if Norm Macdonald wrote a ebook. So I despatched him a letter, in all probability in care of “Saturday Night time Dwell.” A while later, to my shock, I obtained a name from his agent. Apparently Norm was , or at the very least his agent was, they usually agreed to a gathering at our workplaces. I felt like a child with a toy fishing rod who’d simply hooked a striped bass. We set a time, and I organized for the corporate higher-ups to attend, few if any of whom knew who the hell I even was. (They in all probability didn’t know who Norm was, both. You’d be amazed how out of contact publishing individuals had been with in style tradition in these days…or perhaps you wouldn’t.)
Alas, earlier than the appointed day, Norm’s agent knowledgeable me we’d must reschedule, although regardless of buying and selling a number of calls we by no means did handle to take action. “Norm’s not a lot of a self-starter,” the agent finally admitted, and that was that. Whereas upset, I used to be additionally secretly relieved, because the fact was I used to be scared shitless and there’s no approach I may have pulled it off–which, on reflection, his high-powered agent little question gleaned after forty-five seconds of speaking to me.
Anyway, thanks Norm Macdonald for the laughs, and for saving me from a profession in ebook publishing. It couldn’t have labored out any higher.